As days go by, the question of what the point of everything is grows more vocal in my mind.
There is little that can be said in response to this question. It is, at its core, a subjective judgment. Any implication of objective meaning is one born of assumption. Assumptions are, inherently, subjective.
Asking that question, then, leads one to assume the obvious: you’re a nihilist. Since you do not believe that there is an objective ‘point’, you believe the same as a nihilist does.
What goes unsaid in this determination is that your judgment of the ‘point’ is ultimately self-centred. You’re incapable of making a judgment on the fabric of reality, too intertwined with your own suffering and perspective that this is the extent of your overview.
People don’t like hearing such a description of themselves. Yet, it is true.
I am incapable of making a nuanced judgment.
So I don’t bother trying to. There is no point.
In a clever turn, that is the point of this diatribe. While I may be described as a nihilist, and may indeed even make jokes about nihilism when I laugh at existential memes on the internet, I’m not so sure that it’s an accurate label.
I have no opinion on the purpose of life because I am too concerned with the purpose of my own perspective. One might be able to argue that there is no difference between the two. I reject this argument primarily because one’s purpose is not necessarily the purpose. I would personally make the argument that one’s purpose is innately separate from the purpose. Regardless of what you may think the underlying point of existence is, you will inevitably deviate from that due to your individualism.
In my opinion, that is a good thing. There should be no set path of universal merit. It cheapens individuality and our actions to imply that it is essentially meaningless in the face of what might be deemed objectively true.
There is little meaning in an objective truth in the face of a subjective reality. This becomes especially true when you are considering now billions of subjective realities all clashing with each other on a daily basis on just this small rock in the void. We are a minuscule part of reality, each with our own perspective on it, and we will all journey to any objective truth that may exist on our own terms.
The past years have been increasingly difficult for me. I am adamant that this difficulty is of self-design. In any attempt to discuss this with another, I outright object to any implication that a misfortune is thrust upon me without my consent. Someone observing without context may describe this as healthy. After all, it is important to not get trapped in a cycle of self-pity. It can be considered empowering to take ownership of your fate and to steer it into better waters.
It exists as a form of self-sabotage. I am cognizant of this, yet also comfortable with it.
Much of my behaviour can be described this way now: self-sabotage. I deem there being little point in trying to change the situation after trying for so long and failing for the same length of time. I hit the “dead end” of my path to salvaging a life over a year ago.
I hit my dead end.
Now I’m here.