Saturday, 31 December 2016

Eulogy to 2016

Image Credit: Unsplash from Pixabay.

Last year, I had written a post on my personal Facebook about what I wanted to achieve in 2016. None of these things happened.

The meme of 2016 is one easy to get lost into but is one that I try to avoid. A year is just a year; it is an arbitrary measurement that has no real cosmic value. Was 2016 a good year for me? It wasn't. 

The question then becomes: When was my last "good year"? 

There really never was one. With that in mind it becomes difficult to look towards the future as life has always been varying levels of bad with extremely temporary moments of "maybe good?" sprinkled in between. 2016 had the least of that from previous years, but is that a meaningful distinction to make? 

I always study the past. It makes the end of a year pointless for me. There's nothing about the year that I haven't already thought of or deliberated upon. The moment it crosses from one calendar to the next is often a moment of no meaning. It's just a day. 

There is some value in attaching a definitive close to an "era" in one's life, though. Humans like closure. I like closure. I want to know that nothing remains unturned, nothing remains unsaid. I want to know everything there is to know about a situation or an event, and even once I do there's that doubt that there's still more to discover. It's both a virtue and a flaw.

Looking back on 2016 does not fill me with hope for the future or with pride about who I am or who I've become. In mostly all respects, I am deeply unsatisfied with what has transpired. I have grown into a worse individual, I have become more dependent on others than I already was, and my prospects for the future continue to dwindle. 

Hours can be spent talking about just how unsatisfied I am with all of it. But this is, to be perfectly blunt, an inane use of time that already lacks value. There are no revelations to be found, no eureka moments to be had. 

Instead, the future must be looked to regardless of how bleak this future may seem. 

What do I want to achieve in 2017?

"Don't die."

The cop-out answer would be "don't die." I could write off this year as a victory if I go that route. It's not a real achievement, though, even if you take my health and my life into consideration. Simply remaining alive, however difficult it may seem at times, is easy. All you have to do is wake up. 

I've recently begun participation in a medical program I applied for over two years ago. It is the only program of its kind in Canada for people like me. My life in Vancouver hinged and hinges on this program panning out. Everything hinges on how this goes. My first appointment was a disappointment (which is something I will be discussing in a future post) and my hopes for the program are low.

But, and this is a fairly big but, I hope to achieve something with my health and my future this year. I loath stagnation and I loath being worthless. I require value and for me value is making meaningful contributions to the world as I know it. This task is infinitely more difficult as a result of my health, so making progress on that front helps me make progress on the other. 

I'd like treatment of some kind. Something to ease the burden of what I am. An answer and solution would be best but I would take treatment for now. I'd like to no longer live in fear of my benefits being arbitrarily withheld, to not live in squalor. It is not much but the additional money from Persons with Persistent Multiple Barriers benefits or disability would go a long way towards less anxiety. I would still be dependent on others for essentials but I would have wiggle room in what I can address on a monthly basis. An extra $30 a month, for example, could entirely eliminate a credit card debt fee issue. 

Along those same lines, I hate being dependent. In 2017, I would like to find a source of income that is stable and reliable. Money that I can expect every month is money that can be logically allocated instead of my current run-and-gun approach. Having money is a blessing from the heavens, and my approach in the past was to simply blow it all on fast food and soda when I had any. Get myself fat, enjoy myself for a couple days, and it'll tide me over until the next time I've got a few dollars to my name.

It's not a sustainable practice and not exactly a good one. I deal well with stability (who doesn't?), and know that stability would grant me the ability to make better decisions for the long-term. A true victory for 2017, for me, would be entirely eliminating my credit card debt. Poof. Gone. 

"Poof. Gone."

So in summary, I would like to achieve the following in 2017:
  1. Viable treatment that has a verifiable impact on my health.
  2. Something that makes secure benefits in the future a greater likelihood.
  3. Eliminating my credit card debt and the subsequent fees. 
  4. Becoming someone I feel is worth loving and respecting.
I'll take completing just one of those. Maybe, just maybe, I could complete all four. Wouldn't that be nice? 

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